The question of whether polyamory is a good idea or a bad one for adults with ADHD came up this week in an adult ADHD online forum. I thought I'd offer some perspective as a polyamory educator and a polyamorist who was once in love with a guy with ADHD and posted the following. I do not recommend polyamory to people with ADHD. The problem I had with my poly guy who had ADHD is that when we were together, it was fabulous. He was intensely focused on me and us, and I'm an intensity junky. It was a long distance relationship - we lived about 100 miles from each other - and he had two other ladies, one of which lived where he did. I was actually very happy for him for finding a woman as a primary partner where he lived - he needed the support and stability, particularly because he was underemployed and going through a very difficult divorce and child custody battle. Anyway, the problem was that though things were great when we were together, I never heard from him otherwise. It was clear that the out of sight, out of mind phrase really applied here. At first I was hurt. Then I bought a couple of books on adult ADHD and the problem became a lot more clear. In order to have happy polyamorous relationships, it is essential that the people involved be good at juggling time and attention. They need to be able to keep their eye on all the balls, so to speak, i.e. remain conscious of the importance of checking in with significant others regularly, remaining alert for any issues that might be brewing, and soforth. My guy was a wonderful person, and I still think of him fondly with no animosity, but I couldn't stay in relationship with him without regular contact. I need my partners to meet me half way. It was very difficult for him to do that. Also it's pretty hard to take on the burden of doing all the reaching out if you have another relationship or two that require attention as well.
